GOLEZ: My [Integer]-[Chronometric Unit]-Plan

Seeing that I still have membership to the group of adults hilariously undecided about their life path, I’ve updated my list of goals to account for Career ADHD, and the futility of a single five-year-plan. Here are many five-to-sixty-something-year-plans I plan on implementing during my lifetime. I have presented them in what I hope will be their chronological order. Any other order may threaten to rip apart the very fabric of the space-time continuum resulting in catastrophic failures of reality as we know it.


Illustrator & Children’s Book Author: Using my supreme artistry, the genetic burden of underage telepathy, and a vocabulary book for MENSA tested second graders, I will teach children why our Sun doesn’t revolve around their frail and egocentric bodies, and how they can use economic thinking to harness the Sun’s power and force the Moon into doing it.


Poet & Novelist: Having being born to two Luzonians, I will infiltrate a community of distinguished and educated Fil-Am writers with my counter-alternative, new-age, off-beat, edgily emotive, and daringly intellectual style. My books will be lauded as the work of a prolific American writer while I capitalize on my superficial genetic identity to lay the groundwork for my parallel universe science fiction depicting the ramifications of a paramilitary society that deifies an innovative currency: the quantified popularity of fish aquarium recordings.


Engineer & Architect : My new specialty will be designing multi-use public spaces with terrain-features that transform naturally through periodic windows of public input and through the new Sleeping Occupants Threshold algorithm. Re-Evolutionated Spaces by Me. The big bucks will be made from corporate buildings that are designed to utilize natural energy (like recycled thermal energy through weed smoke) and streamline workplace rituals, saving the company money by eliminating travel time from Stimulating Areas of Work Engagement to a less-productive area like the bathroom, or anywhere that is away from a display screen.


Philosopher & History Teacher: Using my vast societal experience, I will teach immature adults that they are indeed living in the Matrix, brought to you by Matrix Corp--home of the Matrix and Matrix Accessories, and that, unlike that filthy propaganda piece by the Wachowski’s in which Our Great Machine Overlord is portrayed as a merely simple-minded program of efficiency devoid of benevolence, sometimes it’s okay to be The Guy That Takes the Blue Pill, as long as you don’t develop an addiction or mistake it for Xanax or LSD tabs.


Culinary Artist & Former Lover: Using an amateur knowledge of food veiled in a distinctly arrogant French accent, I will act towards all willing eaters with paternal affection, zesty respect, and a challenging encouragement to explore novelty: everything Buzzfeed claims to drive women and some gay men wild. Their inevitable suffering will be an unfortunate casualty of their inability to accept the reality of their physical attachments after sampling the addictive nature of my secular Buddhist momentarianism goodwill. Also with the advent of Super Topical in the mid 21st Century, I will never stop having baby-butt skin for a face.


Marine Biologist & Global Journalist: I will grow a great beard and sail across the ocean on a steampunk styled junker made of junk collected from junk barges documenting the stories of sexaholic cruise ship operators, orphaned counter-pirate sea pastors, octogenarians mistaken as abandoned flotsam, ex-military cat people adrift on boats, and whales eating each other, while publishing photographs and character essays to my world-renowned blog: The Floating Flip.


Social Activist & Venerated Religious Leader: After establishing myself as a culturally superior human through my exotic dress and botched understanding of non-English languages, an organization of gullible locals and English-speaking exiles will erect a sheet metal and plywood shack that serves as: a base of operations for a radically progressive political movement to fight the current institution's restriction of its citizens freedom to take action against the less fortunate and less educated by depriving them of such people, a humble abode in which I will store a perplexing collection of foreign items that illustrate my growing senility and my love for a culture I swore to leave behind, and a temple-like manifestation of an occult philosophy that permits copious capacities of copulation while denouncing the concepts of currency, property, and violence against nature. Upon my untimely death, the four English-speaking disciples, the Rexcelsiors, will march themselves and my body into the sea, devoting their souls to whatever afterlife I had outlined in my unfinished book, while my latest child, who is perched atop my coffin, swims back to shore alone, in a deeply and spiritually symbolic gesture that will persist as religious tradition for generations and lead to the deaths of at least four aquaphobic children. And in the exact spot in the ocean where my body disappeared a red fern will appear to watch over the people of [NATION] for [TEMPORAL MEASUREMENT]s to come.


And that's what I want to do with my life.


I hereby bequeath the role of me in the movie adaptation of my life to any genetic pairing of Charlie Ocean Goldblum and Blue Ivy Carter.


What are your goals?