I get the feeling I'm being pigeon holed. It's inevitable that I'd feel this way again. When you grow up in a home rife with breakdowns in communication, a home that's lacks the resolve to overcome them, you start to develop a habit of feeling misunderstood. That everything you do has an unintended meaning to someone else. The irony is killing the part of me that can still appreciate it.
The other part of me thinks that some out there have set me up to fail, so that, like a bad piece of code, I can be demonstrably wiped clean from the programming. That every real decision I make, every thought I have independent from the pressures of the pervasive paradigm of modernity, might be fatally consequential. For giving credit to hedonism, or power, or luck, or any number of ideas, I might be building the scaffolding from which I might be hung.
If that doesn't sound crazy enough, this half thinks that others still seek to secure my victory over every adversity I've imagined for myself. Success--whether financial, personal, romantic, productive--they are all within the reach of a few cleverly and precisely executed steps. That every day I am alive, I am being guided down a path to achieving my ultimate goal.
Neither of these would sound too crazy if I were religious in any normalized way: Satan seeks my demise through temptation, and God reaches down to lift me into His graces.
Angels and demons.
Somewhere, I think, my anxiety has manifested as an interpretation of my parents faith, into a belief that something occult, something supernatural, something other worldly has taken a firm grasp on my fate.
This is all troubling to someone like me, who seeks happiness through science and simplicity. The self-centered parasite that pumps blood through my body seeks independence from influence (especially unwanted influence), while the fear-mongering control freak in my head understands that time and space connects everything in a grand and meaningful way.
How discouraging.
So, I feel like I'm being pidgeon-holed. So what do I do?
The more data I shove onto their monitors, the less time and space they'll have to edit it in any sort of untruthful way.
