always moving forward may merely be an byproduct of always leaving things behind. it’s difficult to identify the real driving force here. it seems that i can’t find my own future. like i’m infinitely a child until i’m comparing myself to someone else.
what are my interests? whatever they are, they are pursued lazily, with no motivation to elevate involvement in that area to any constructive capacity.
why is this? maybe i am not currently wired to operate alone.
when you meet anyone, your relationship can be defined using shared preferences, and the dynamic of degrees of inclination to or from a set of preferences.
i am basing my future as a set of possibilities revolving around the relationships i develop and maintain. this survival instinct can be useful—for the tumultuous life of a low wage partier in the big city. not much is planned, not much is earned. and the future is about when the next party, shift or meal is.
now, i am entering my “late twenties.”
ten years ago, i would never have guessed my occupation, my health, my disassociation with reality, my deviance from art. ten years ago, i was excited to see what the next course was. the world away from the safety of my parents was big and strange, and i learned soon, nothing they ever prepared me for. (my parents never talked first about anything. they addressed the issues of raising a small brain as they made themselves apparent. my parents missed opportunities to teach me valuable lessons because they reacted to my growing up instead of really fostering my maturation.)
ten years ago, the furthest i looked into my future was the catalogue of community college classes i could enroll in for the next quartet.
with mortality looming ahead, and the stigma of age that i have hung over myself, i am pressed to take a sensible amount of control over my own fate. my golden years are waning (hopefully i can laugh at this phrasing later) and i have little to show for myself to myself, much less others.
why? because i have these stillborn moral attitudes that have been consciously ostracized by my conscious views. i have been trying to reconcile old ideas about relations, power and people that were given to me with the new ones i have made for myself.
and without being able to solidify my ideas and unify my worldviews, i will not advance. as it stands, i cling stubbornly to the idea of preparation as a virtue. without it, the future is already ruined.
what i will need is a guide, a mentor, a producer, someone to mold my erratic and amorphous interests into a relevant personality, so that i can act on my motivations without inhibition, trusting in my cohesive narrative to speak for me.
and this screws with my perception of time and causation. away from the past or towards the future? both. everything. nothing.
will, can, shall, will, can, shall, will, can, shall
