Idiocy.

That feeling when you've gotten soaked in it. But you realize it's been drying for a while. 

I have problems. They may include general social ineptitude, residual effects of a low self esteem, obsession with specific perspectives, inability to think creatively, remember my dreams, or even hold on to habits, I get no sleep, overdose on sugar and vitamin c, and bike so much, my knee is dying on me.

Can you imagine being inferior in ways that you couldn't even understand? To me, that is hell. And accordingly, is the existence I live in now. 

I can only guess at the effect I have on others, because I've spent so much time trying not to. Realizing the inevitable influence of presence, I wonder if my actions have represented my inner thoughts--which, to be honest, I fear; or if my thoughts are unintentionally masked or muffled from everyone's perception. 

There are few people now that can predict my more intimate reactions to topics or issues. On the other hand, my series of work catchphrases have been met with bemusement, ridicule or some mix of the two.

Even the timing of my exposes are all inappropriate. I realize that in trying to fit an elder sage role, my stories come off as lectures or homages to my personal youth, when I feel like they are attempts at personal encounters. Aside from whatever string of words I can put side by side to make coherent phrases, I understand that communication is made on a number of different levels, most of which, I have not yet mastered.

Yeah, but still, it's all young bullshit.

I have become less and less certain when I am lying to myself and when I am actually giving out my truth.